Sharkboy and Lavagirl
(After the opening credits for the Nostalgia Critic, we cut to a shot of a mansion labeled Robert Rodriguez's House. Robert (played by Doug Walker) is reading something when a kid (Tamara Chambers) pokes her head in) Kid: Dad! Robert: I don't have time right now...Rocket? Kid: No. Robert: Rebel? Kid: No. Robert: Racer? Racer: Yes. Robert: I don't have time right now, Racer. I'm writing, directing, editing, shooting, doing composing and providing the catering for Spy Kids 4. Racer: Do you even have a crew anymore? Robert: Yeah, he's over there. (He nudges his head over to Malcolm Ray, who's working on the script on his MacBook) Malcolm: Hi, Racer. Robert: Now go play with your siblings who have radical R names. Racer: But dad, it's my birthday! Robert: And that's why I'm making this movie for you. Malcolm: Huh? Racer: Really? Robert: Spy Kids 4 was just a lie to trick you. I'm actually making a movie based on all the characters that you created. You know the ones I'm talking about. Racer: Sharkboy and Lavagirl? Robert: Sharkboy and Lavagirl, that's right! And all the crazy adventures they go on. (Malcolm takes a picture from Spy Kids 3 and adds blue armor on Juni and pink armor on Carmen) Racer: I haven't thought of any adventures for them yet. Robert: What'd you dream last night? Racer: Mom said I shouldn't dream that any-- Robert: What else you dream last night? Racer: Milk and cookies! Robert: The Land of Milk and Cookies is where it takes place, (Malcolm adds a background of milk and cookies to the scene) and I will give you full credit at the beginning of the film so everybody knows it was your idea. Racer: Wait, doesn't that just give you an easy out if the movie's bad? Robert: I prefer to see it as the greeting card before you open your gift. Now off you go. Daddy needs to get some inspiration. Racer: Oh, are you gonna play your tiny paper flute? Robert: What can I say? I write so much better with it. Now off you go. Racer: Oh. (After Racer leaves, Robert takes a big hit of a joint. Malcolm comes over to him) Malcolm: Sharkboy and Lavagirl? Robert: Sharkboy and Lavagirl. (And we finally come to the review, showing the title of the movie. A picture of Robert Rodriguez is shown, before showing clips from several of his other movies) NC (vo): In many respects, Robert Rodriguez is a filmmaker's filmmaker. He started off with no money, but made up for it by incorporating what little he had into a unique and clever style. He saved on crew by doing most of the work himself, directing, editing, writing, composing, special effects. He's cheap, quick, and best of all, cool. It's pretty hard not to be impressed with the guy. But not surprisingly, sometimes the fast-paced cheapness can backfire, particularly with his children's films. While the first Spy Kids was a big hit with both audiences and critics, they seem to get more and more childish and gimmicky as they went on. But it's not the Spy Kids movies that people remember being the most outlandishly strange and fucked up. NC: That distinction goes to The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl. (Clips from the movie play) NC (vo): This is a film that actually starts off by saying it was inspired by the stories and dreams of one of his kids. A charming gesture on, say, a behind-the-scenes featurette, but when you have to put that before your movie, almost like you're trying to already say set the curve pretty low, well, let's just hope the family enjoys it, because for the rest of us...um... NC: Let's just hope the family enjoys it. Let's take a look at Sharkboy and Lavagirl. (The movie begins with a quote saying, "Everything that is or was, began with a dream", before revealing who said the quote, Lavagirl) NC: (Sighs) Okay, filmmakers, as well as the Internet in general, word of advice: If you put quotes around something and the name after it, it surprisingly doesn't automatically make it important. You can do it with anything, really. (Several quotes NC describes are shown) NC (vo): "I like big butts and I cannot lie." Sir Mix-A-Lot. "I speck!" Jar Jar Binks. "I made doo-doo in my britches." George Washington...when he was two fucking years old! NC: Not very happy when you really think about it. NC (vo): We start with the backstory of Sharkboy, as, I have to admit, it's actually kinda funny and creative. Max (vo): He was a marine biologist or at least in training. But one day, an incredible, mysterious storm appeared. NC (vo): Shit, this is just exposition for Sharknado 4! Quick, hide all your Tara Reids! Max (vo): Sharkboy and his father survived but they survived on different sides of the wreckage. Each floating off in different a direction. Sharkboy was completely alone. NC (vo): Yeah, he looks really torn up about it. (as Sharkboy) (sigh) Should've gotten his adult password for Netflix. (normal) The sharks take him in as their own, he grows gills... as most growing boys do and he comes across our main character, Max, who decides to take him home. Max (vo): Then one night, I was visited by a glowing light. An amazing girl with purple flames for hair and skin of molten lava rock appeared. I called her... Lavagirl. NC/Lavagirl: Uh, actually it's Amanda. NC/Max: Lavagirl. NC/Lavagirl: Why do you feel like you need to name me? NC/Max: Lavagirl. NC/Lavagirl: Does Rodriguez always name kids after things? NC/Max: Lavagirl. NC/Lavagirl: Okay, fine, Lavagirl! Jesus! NC (vo): She says she has to take Sharkboy to Planet Drool and that's the last he's ever seen of them. Not surprisingly, everyone doesn't believe his story. Including his teacher, played by George Lopez. Mr. Electricidad: How many people think Max's story is true? (One student raises hand) Have a seat, Max. NC (vo): (as George Lopez) I have 5 failed sitcoms to get to. NC (vo): But a bunch of Disney Channel villains try to take his Dream Journal... you know, that device that every kid in movies has but you never actually met somebody who has one... and Max tries to run away. Linus: Get the book! NC (vo): (chuckles) Oh, my God, this kid is so confident in his master evilry he just has to point at his minions' understand? In fact, why the Hell does he even have minions? He's fucking eight! Linus: I'll bring you a revised edition tomorrow. NC (vo): Now don't worry, I'm sure it will be better than what this stories turning out so far. NC (vo): But Max starts finding out more and more how few people actually believe him. Max: It was Sharkboy and Lavagirl! Look, this one has shark bites, and this one is singed! Ooh! Max's Mom: There's no such thing as Sharkboy and Lavagirl. Max's Dad: Well, I believe him. NC: (as Max's Dad) But I also believe my penis is my eleventh toe so I might not be the best person to ask. Max: Stupid plugs. Please don't let me have to go to school. They'll make fun of me, I know it. NC (vo): (as Max) Please, top bunk, which, seeing how I have no other siblings, I'm not sure why is here. (Normal) Seriously, who's up there, Tom Hanks from Big? But he still has to go to school with apparently even more bad news on the way. Max's Mom: Push that dream aside and move on. Max: Like with your dream? The one about you and Dad? Max's Mom: Well, I do have a dream about us, but, as I'm sure you've been noticing lately, your father and I are just... well, w... not compatible. Sorry, don't mean to dump all this on you right before you have to go to school... NC (vo): D'oh, ya fucking think?! Where the Hell did you train in child care, (Picture of bawling child appears in the corner) the University of Bawling Eyes and Dick Realities?! (A storm brews outside the classroom) Mr. Electricidad: Who knows where tornadoes come from? NC (vo) (as a student): I don't know. Can we ask our parents seeing how we should clearly be sent home during this storm? Max: Linus took my journal! Mr. Electricidad: Give Max back his journal. NC (vo): After the teacher forces Linus to give Max's dream journal, Max sees that it's ruined, leading to one of my favorite deliveries from Linus. Max: He ruined my Dream Journal! Linus: I did not! Mr. Electric, send him to the Principal's office and have him expelled! NC: (laughs) Okay, this kid's training to be a Spider-Man villain. I mean, who talks this way? Linus: Send him to the Principal's office and have him expelled! NC: (as Linus) Then it'll be my turn to look after Mr. Fluffy the hamster for the school weekend! (thunder and lightning crash as he laughs evilly) NC (vo): But Mr. Lopez says, "Hey, I can act even fucking sillier than that!" Mr. Electricidad: I know everything! And you know nothing! At the end of class, both of you will report to the Principal's office. With your parents! NC: (as Electricidad) Somebody give me direction as I have no idea what I am doing! (beat) With your parents! NC (vo): But suddenly Sharkboy and Lavagirl bust in. Sharkboy: If you wanna stop the Darkness from destroying our worlds, come with us. Mr. Electricidad: You better go with 'em! NC (vo): Jesus, is this guy trying to get Worst Teacher of the Year? (as Electricidad) Go with the two strangers towards the killer tornado. I'm just going to stay here and teach everybody how they'll never need geometry. Max: I can't believe I'm finally getting to ditch this place and go to Planet Drool! NC (vo): By the way, that's Taylor Dooley as Lavagirl and guess who as Sharkboy. Having trouble? Well, just imagine him with his shirt off. (A pair of abs is posted over Sharkboy) That's right, that little kid is (picture of) Jacob from Twilight. NC: By God. I thought I'd never need it again, but... the time has come. (A chorus is singing as NC leaves the room and heads towards a filing cabinet. He opens it up and has to shield his eyes from the bright light that shines forth. He then smiles and reaches for his book of Twilight Jokes) NC: I thought I put you away forever. But you are needed once more. (He heads back to his room) You will be most useful, my friend. (He gives it a kiss and puts it down before facing the camera) NC (vo): They get aboard a shark spaceship and get ready to launch. Lavagirl: Blue goggles for the boys, pink for the girls. Max: Do you have another pair of boy goggles? Sharkboy: Uh-uh. NC (vo): Then why would you say pink is for girls? And why's there only one pair of boy goggles? And why would you have that selection to begin with- This mission's already bullshit! (Sharkboy's ship takes off) NC (vo): They take off to Planet Drool, but is it me, or do they more look like they landed on Planet Foodfight? Oh, boy, I do hope this has stereotypes and sex innuendo part on the planet! Lavagirl: Recognize your dream world, Max? Max: Not really. NC (vo): Jesus, it's like somebody melted the Teletubbies! Which I would like this movie a lot more if that was the story. But nope, this is where all of Max's dreams go and it's being taken over by something called the Darkness. Sharkboy: The Darkness! Run! NC (vo): And if you think this is the closest thing to mocking The NeverEnding Story, remember (poster of NeverEnding Story III is shown) The NeverEnding Story did it pretty well on it's own. (Our heroes come across a rollercoaster filled with little kids, which never stops) Lavagirl: Kids aren't allowed to rest, 'cause if they rest, they sleep. And if they dream... Sharkboy: It takes power away from Mr. Electric. (Sharkboy and Lavagirl fly over to the coaster, while Max can't) NC (vo, as Max): Hey, come on! I can't green screen like you can! (normal) So they try to save some kids from a rollercoaster that won't stop, and... You know what? I've just figured out why this movie looks more gimmicky than it does creative. The whole thing, I mean, the WHOLE thing looks like one giant "extreme" 90's commercial. NC (vo): So they come across one of the villains named Mr. Electric, played again by George Lopez. Mr. Electric: No school, no discipline, no rules and most importantly no dreams! NC (vo): So he captures them and sends them to the graveyard of dreams where- Sharkboy: Duck! (A mechanical cuckoo suddenly jumps out of the nearby clock, leaning towards the camera) NC (vo): (sighs) Did I mention this was in 3D? NC: You know, sometimes, that can be a good thing. Like (vo) flying through the skies in How to Train Your Dragon, or experiencing breathtaking worlds in Avatar. (clips from the movie showing off the 3D play again) But then, every once in a while, you get the YouTube Poop of 3D. Every so often, they just go, "Fuck you, we're 3D! Fuck you, we're 3D!" NC: (flipping off the camera with both hands close to it) Can you see this in 3D?! Can you see this in 3D, you fucking little dick horse?!! (knocks the camera over to show us the ceiling) Lavagirl: Close your eyes and dream. If Max can't remember his dreams, maybe he can re-dream them. Sharkboy: He could dream us outta here. Lavagirl: (leans towards the camera) Dream, Max... (She smiles creepily. NC is quite stunned) NC: I would love you if you never do that smile again. Lavagirl: l know you've got a lot to figure out, but... If you happen to dream about who l am and how l fit into this world... NC (as Lavagirl): ...Please dream up a plot for me. The writers forgot to give me one. NC (vo): They come across a robot that Max dreamed up who they hope will have some answers. Max: Tobor, awake! (Tobor opens eyes) Tobor: Yes? Max: We can ask him anything now. Lavagirl: Let me, let me! (to Tobor) Tell me something about me. I'm clueless. (NC just watches, deadpan. Then, a sharp-dressed man, whose face we don't see, comes in with a piece of paper on a silver platter. He's played by Doug Walker's father, Barney) Bernard: Your joke, sir. NC: Oh! Thank you so much, Bernard. Oh, look at that. Silver platter and everything. You made it impossible for me to ignore this. Bernard: My pleasure, sir. (NC takes the paper with a comeback joke and prepares to read it) NC: Ahem... (beat) Not as clueless as your agent! (laughs insanely and starts pointing at the camera wildly) You're fucking 3D! FUCKING 3D! (stops to notice that Bernard is still here) Bernard? (He motions for him to leave the room. Bernard does so and NC continues) NC: FUCKING 3D! FUCKING 3D! NC (vo): So the robot tells them to go to The Land of Milk and Cookies... which I think is the Holy Land for (picture of) Moses Jr... where they come across The Train of Thought. Max: That's The Train of Thought? How do I keep it on track? NC: Well, if we knew that, we'd be in a much better movie, wouldn't we? Max: Sorry I forgot about you, Tobor. Tobor: Are you kidding? You just saved me. I'm free! (flies off) NC (vo): God, even the magical robot sounds disinterested! Tobor: I'm free! (dubbed over by NC) I'm going to go visit my children. (Tobor flies to the room where his children that look exactly like him are waiting) Tobor (voiced by NC): Look, kids. I'm home. Tobor's Children (speaking in the same monotone as Tobor): Yaaaaay. (And we go to the commercial) (And we're back) NC (vo): So while they fly by all the brains this movie killed, they realize that the locomotive is out of control. Lavagirl: Jump! It'll be all right! (jumps out) NC (vo): And that was the end of Lavagirl. We never knew that much about her but we never wanted to anyway. (Sharkboy jumps too) And that was the end of Sharkboy. (Max jumps) Can we go now? (train crashes) They end up in literally a half-baked Mario Kart level but it looks like they're not out of the woods yet. (cookie giants appear) NC: Look out! The film's just given up! NC (vo): Okay, so the parents are in this dream too. Max: Those giants almost look like my parents. Lavagirl: They seem happy together. Is that your dream? Max: We had a dream we're family. It hasn't been coming true lately. Lavagirl: Most dreams to come true on their own. You have to make them true. Takes a lot of work. Not easy. NC: (sighs) Okay, wow. I never thought I would have to say this in a Robert Rodriguez movie but... show, don't tell. NC (vo): (clips of following movies are shown) That the idea of film. In "Where the Wild Things Are", the monsters represent the boy's insecurities. Even in Bridge to Terabithia, the shadow catching up to our lead shows us his fear confronting death. (back to Sharkboy and Lavagirl) Here, the parents attack him for no reason and leave! They have no character, they don't even have any lines, and every that said here could just be said in the real world! So the sequence was practically pointless! In a visual media like this, we gain nothing! How would you like it if in (clips of) "The Wizard of Oz" the characters just explained rather than expressed? The Wicked Witch of the West: And as for you, my fine lady, it's true I can't attend to you here and now as I'd like. But just try to stay out of my way! NC (vo): So they tell Max that he needs to dream in order to stop the land from being consumed by the Darkness. Sharkboy: All right, Max. You've had your cookies and milk. Now go to sleep! NC (vo): Yeah, we filled you up with sugar, little boy. Now sleep. Sharkboy: ♪ Close your eyes, shut your mouth, dream a dream and get us out, Dream, dream, dream, dream, dream, dream. ♪ (Sharkboy's flying scooter appears) Lavagirl: It's working! Keep it up, Sharkboy! (the music starts sounding more loud and upbeat, Sharkboy starts dancing) Sharkboy: ♪Just relax, lay about... NC: The fuck?.. Sharkboy: ♪...or my fist will put you out, Dream, dream, dream, dream, dream, dream.♪ NC (vo): Yeah, lullabies always work great with an aggressive hip-hop beat. Hell, why stop there? Why not just go into straight gangsta rap? (NC has his arms crossed and moves from right to left while synthesized rap music plays) NC: Get us out of this ditch, Go to sleep, you fucking bitch! Dream, you muthafucka, dream! Go to sleep really quick, Or I'll chew in your dick! Dream, you muthafucka, dream! NC (vo, still doing a rapper impression): Eh, that ain't workin'. Lemme try a bedtime story. (cover of) Go the Fuck to Sleep! (a high-pitched scream is heard) What? NC (vo): But Mr. Electric starts to approach and they need to wake him up. Mr. Electric: Feel the power! Note: The Transcript is not yet completed. Please fill some gaps in it if possible. NC (vo): But they get intercepted by Mr. Electric and they're taken to who's behind all the Darkness. Minus: I am much... cooler. I... am Minus! NC (vo): Wow! It's like Eddie Munster impregnated Emperor Zurg. Sharkboy: Where is my father? Minus: Hm. Check the bottom of the ocean. NC (vo): I'm not gonna lie, I think this kid has been waiting all his life to play this part. I mean, just watch him in this performance. Minus: And Lavagirl, once I figure out how to freeze this planet's core, all of your powers will disappear. NC: (chuckles) This kid is giving Joffrey a run for his money. He's fucking amazing! NC (vo): I'm just imagining this obvious James Bond villain trying to cope in a 4th grade environment. Minus: You thought you could escape fear by running away to dream land but fear exists in the one place you can never escape! Your mind. NC: (as Minus) Oh, yes. You may think you have won at Guess Who but let me ask you this. Does your person have brown hair? Robert! (zoom in) NC (vo): So he puts them in a cage when... I don't know, these weird things pop up. Sharkboy: The song is driving me crazy! Lavagirl: Sing louder! Sing higher! (Sharkboy bursts into anger and rips the bars off the cage) NC: So they got free because of narwhals? ("These weird things", as NC pointed out, are changed to images of narwhals while "Narwhals" by Weebls plays) NC: To be fair, I would go nuts if I had to hear that song again too. NC (vo) So they get back the Dream Journal and Sharkboy is able to find out what happened to his father. Max: Your father really is at the bottom of the ocean. (Sharkboy sulks) He's in a submarine looking for you. (Sharkboy smiles) NC/Max: It says here that he crashed. (Sharkboy sulks) On the bed because he was so tired. (he smiles) But then apparently he died. (sulks again) Of exhaustion because he's working so hard. (smiles again) But then a squid ripped off his head, ate his body and has been digesting it for weeks! (sulks again) Is what he'd call his memoirs if a squid ripped off his head ate his body and has been diges- (Sharkboy screams) Sorry, I'm sorry, I focus on weird details. NC (vo): So they go back to the ice castle to see the Princess of Ice. (singing) ♪ Let it blow, let it blow, at least I don't have penis hair! ♪ She gives him the crystal heart to help them on their mission but Mr. Electric shocks Sharkboy unconscious. So Lavagirl has to go save him even though the water will kill her in the process. Max: Come on, Sharkboy! NC (vo): (as Lavagirl) My last request is to put a quote for me at the beginning of the film. (normal) But creepy face (Tobor) comes back and tells them that she needs to be thrown into volcano to save save her. NC (vo): (as Sharkboy) Oh my God, that killed her! I don't know why I thought that would work! I'm a terrible person! (normal) It of course brings her back to life. Which is good as a healthy dose of scenery seems to be nest on the menu. Minus: (swishes cape dramatically) How'd you get in here? (Critic burts out laughing) Hate to burst your bubble, Dreamboy, but I've read your book. NC: (as Minus) Hate to burst your bubble, but the marbles on my side of the Hungry, Hungry Hippos are more than the marbles on your side of the Hungry, Hungry Hippos. (zoom in) NC (vo): So it's a showdown between Linus's nightmares Max's dreams. Max: Brainstorm. (Brains start to fall from the sky. Minus throws brain at the screen) NC: What was that suppossed to stick to? Max: Brain... fart! (MInus's head grows and Critic is freaked out by it) NC (vo): So after that scene, Sharkboy defeats Mr. Electric. (as Mr. Electric) Wait, I'm electricity in water. Shouldn't this kill you? I really am a bad teacher. Meanwhile, Linus really with the most minimal effort is covinced to be good again. No, really this is all it took. Max: We can create a better dream than this. A better world. What do you say? NC (vo): God. I wish all villains were this easy to win over. Darth Vader: If you only knew the power of the darkside- NC: Hey, knock it off. Darth Vader: Oh. Okay. NC: Let's get some. Darth Vader: Sure. Sharkboy: I am king of the ocean. Lavagirl: Thanks for saving me. (kisses Sharkboy on the cheek. burning him) NC (vo): Well, technically you saved him first but the chick saving the dude never counts in movies. Minus: Everything will return to being the way that it was. You will be able to Earth and back again as you wish. You can search for your father. You can rule Earth's lava world. NC (vo): Oh, he's such a bad actor when he's not evil. I mean a less fun kind of bad. (Mr. Electric blasts off) Sharkboy: He's headed to Earth! Minus: He's going to try and destroy you in your sleep. NC (vo): Oh my God, go back to waving your cape or something! NC: Just keep your head the same size! NC (vo): When he gets back to Earth he finds it's still under a tornado attack and this time, it's caused by Mr. Electric. On top of that, Max's parents get dragged in too. Mom: Find Max! Tell him I love him! Dad: Don't leave me! Mom: I thought you wanted me to leave! Dad: No, I don't! You're my best friend! NC (vo): Wow this is the most disinterested couple getting sucked into a tornado ever. But Lavagirl saves her as Max figures out that the teacher's daughter, being the only one who believed Max to begin with is the only one to stop the evil. Max: Do you know what to do? Marissa: I believe so. NC (vo): (as Marissa) I'm gonna do what I always dreamed, kill my dad. She saves the day as everything seems to be okay now. In fact, a little too okay. Max: So dream a better dream then work to make it real. NC (vo): So remember, kids: if your parets are getting a divorce, just dream really, really, REALLY hard and, eventually, they'll get back together. It always works. (one of the last scenes, showing Max and his parents reuniting, is shown) NC: And that was Sharkboy and Lavagirl. A nice gift from a good father, but a LOUSY movie from a great director. (clips from the movie play for the last time as NC gives his closing thoughts) NC (vo): I'll give it a credit for some of its creativity, and again, it's kind of hard to be angry at someone who basically made this movie for his kids. But the cheapness of the story and the effects don't work to the film's advantage like his other works. In Sin City, the cheapness is stylized and gives a unique look. In this, the cheapness is too similar to so many other bad films that obviously didn't try. So this just looks like another one of those bad films. Aside from one or two entertaining performances, most of the acting is really whatever, just flat out awkward. A noble idea, but sadly, a failed delivery. (back to Rodriguez's house) Robert: So, Racer? What do you think of your birthday gift? (Racer looks at Robert confusingly. Robert smiles, but then stops and takes out a car key) Robert: I got your car, too. Racer: (laughs) Yeah! Whoo! (takes the key from Robert and runs away. Robert and Malcolm don't say a word) Malcolm: Ungrateful little shit. (Robert takes a hit of a joint again and hands it over to Malcolm) (And we come to the credits) Channel Awesome tagline - Linus: Send him to the principal's office and have him expelled! (it looks like the review has ended, but suddenly...) Lavagirl: (in molten form) We believe in you, Max! Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Guides Category:Content